I've had several ideas for new posts running around in my head lately, but this one wins today.

I will attempt to discuss my thoughts on confession without offending anyone, or making absolutist statements that I can't support. Here we go -

Confession is a big deal, when done properly. Its very easy to "confess" to a wrong doing, or take responsibility for Situation X in a way that benefits no one. Someone accuses you of failing in some area, and the natural reaction is to say something like, "Yes, but..." The "but" is the key here, I think - unhelpful confession is the kind that admits culpability while maintaining the opinion that you were somehow justified in doing whatever it is you did. 

I think there are a few reasons for this type of reaction (probably more, depending on the situation). First, it is too easy to focus on the failings of your accuser to the exclusions of your own. We (by "we" I mean people) tend to compare ourselves to one another, mostly in the hope of finding something about us that is superior to those around us. Maybe not *everything* superior, but something to give us a self-esteem leg up. If we are confronted by someone we don't particularly like, or someone with whom we have already begun making these types of comparisons, it seems more likely that we recoil in anger (or something like it) rather than consider the possible truths in the message. Second, being called out on something is embarassing. Regardless of how many people are witnesses, its embarassing to have others know you suck at something. Oddly enough, even though everyone I talk to admits that they mess up at something(s) on a consistent basis, we don't like to have others perceive our failures. Its one thing to tell your friends, "Man, I'm really bad at such-and-such" but an entirely different thing to have others tell YOU, "Man, you are horrible at X." Finally, self preservation plays a huge part in our responses to criticism. We like to maintain our image of ourselves as not perfect, but really not in need of much help to make it.*Actually* confessing to something makes us admit to ourselves that we're not all that and a bag of chips.

For a long time, I was vehemently opposed to what I called "Confession the Catholic way." I thought, "I don't need a *person* to tell me that God forgives me, Jesus took care of all that already!" I was very suspicious of going into a little box and talking (no, confessing) to someone who had no more right than I to commune with God. Rather than actually think through what confession was good for, I dismissed it as outdated and even (sigh) Un-Christian. 

In recent years, as my ideas about Christianity, God, and Jesus have begun to change radically, I've started to ponder lots of issues from what I hope is a more level-headed perspective. I've begun to realize that confession isn't about someone else telling you that you're wrong or even that you're forgiven; it seems to be about becoming vulnerable with yourself and your peers (or whomever you happen to be confessing to) in order to say, "I messed up. There aren't really any excuses other than my selfishness." The benefit of this, I'm starting to realize, isn't that you begin to feel pious all over again and are ready for a fresh start like I used to think. Rather, it keeps you maleable. If you are constantly willing to examine your motives and actions honestly, you are "confessing." Interestingly enough, confession doesn't seem to be something that you have to do out loud all the time; sometimes your issues are internal and no one but you knows you're approaching things with a bad attitude or hidden agendas or whatever. In instances like these, confession keeps you honest with yourself and helps you correct the bad stuff going on inside.

Confession is more about you than it is about anyone else - not to sound like a weirdo, but if you are seriously interested in being a better person (and not in blaming others because you suck), confession is key. You begin to be nicer to other people, your temper-fuse is longer, you start to care about the happiness and well being of others, etc. Confession isn't as complicated as the church makes it sound - it isn't mysterious or hokie. The beauty of it is, if you begin to confess to yourself, you probably have to confess to others less, because you become more mindful of your internal well being.

Ugh. I realize this might sound like a self-help book, but its really not supposed to. I just know that I become bitter, judgmental, and cynical when I don't confess to myself often. I get hardened and wall myself off from certain types of emotions or situations because I don't feel like facing them. It sucks to do it, but its really important for me to make myself. I'm more teachable and less argumentative when I do, and I can see the good in others that my self importance wouldn't let me see before.

I've managed to discuss this idea of confession almost completely separate from religion, and that's something I'm pretty pleased about. One of the things that makes me the most willing to continue pursuing my "relationship with God" (whatever that means) despite my severe aversion to almost all things church related is that God is practical. I believe he CAN and DOES relate to my everyday life - not that I have to split my life in half with the "reality" part and "spirituality" part. Confession is a legit human thing; the church doesn't have a monopoly on its benefits. Confession isn't some mystical religious invention that can't make sense to non-religious (dare I say normal?) people - it is beneficial regardless of your religious affiliation or lack thereof. Note that my discussion of confession was pretty limited to human interactions; confession to God is a completely different topic that I will leave alone today. :)  

I've been on a fitness kick for, oh, I'd say the last 7 years. One would think that after so much time, it would be a habit and not a kick, right?

That's my thought for today - its interesting how something that occupies so much of your mental energy (occasionally) and time (spent in the gym) can still end up NOT being a habit.

I've been exercising since the day Lindsey decided I was her new guide to the gym. (More on my awesome old roomie later!) Her visual impairment plus her need to train excessively for triathalons led me to my first treadmill. I've gone through periods where the gym was my one triumph every day - I remember a time when I could run for 30 minutes straight at a speed of 5.3 without feeling tired or winded. (Don't hate if you're an awesome runner!) I remember when my body looked good - flat stomach, firm thighs, thin upper arms - and it was enjoyable to maintain my shape at the gym.

I've also gone through periods of extreme stress that render me incapable of succeeding at much - when school or work overwhelms me, I tend to shut down, and the first thing to go is my exercise regimen. If I feel like I've got too many things to do in one day (ie MUST teach, MUST grade papers, MUST plan lesson, MUST work until 1am), I freak out and do as little as possible. Maybe I should explore this bizarre tendency soon...

Anyways, when I was younger, I was able to eat all the BBQ chips and drink all the Dr. Pepper I wanted without looking like I had. Minimal gym time was required to still look decent. Now, however, I'm in my mid-20s, and realizing that not only will a healthier eating regimen boost my energy and overall body wellness, but it is a necessity to weight loss and muscle fitness.

What a cruel lesson to learn, that you can't eat all your favorite foods all the time! What a cruel time to learn it! Health and fitness were never mentioned in my family growing up, and we always ate "good southern cookin'" (read: pinto beans and fatback). My dad was a bean-pole, so I assumed I would be as safe as he was re: thinness.

Not only do I seem to be floundering in the grocery store when it comes to healthy food alternatives, I've found that I don't really LIKE vegetables (maybe because I rarely ate them as a kid?). And someone please shoot me for always reaching for potatoes or wild rice as another pairing to almost any meat/fish! I don't know what I'm doing - I only know that I need to do "it".

Luckily, Rex has decided that he needs to eat healthier, smaller portions and run on a regular basis, too. We're both trying to cut down on soda intake to cut calories, eat filling (not large!) portions, and exercise daily. Its been a big encouragement.

Still, something needs to be done in the way of making this a permanent change. At least one day a week I am horrible and eat chocolate frosted donuts with a giant can of Coke for breakfast (like, today?), or am overwhelmed with the thought of overhauling my ENTIRE food intake or rebel at the thought of completely giving up my sinfully delicious food cravings. Self control is something I've always been lacking, in every area of life... but this is one thing in particular I want victory in! I want to eat a salad before my meal when I go out to eat because its good for me, and not be sad that it makes me not save -room for the main course. I want to choose water over soda more regularly because water makes me feel better (really, it does!) even if it doesn't taste better. I want to willingly limit my sweets and bad-for-you-foods to small portions as treats occasionally because I've learned to like my healthier options just as much.

Ah, now I'm rambling - the point is, I'm not quite sure what it takes to make something a habit, and this "something" is a habit I would dearly love to call my own. I'd like to quit running in circles with my diet and fitness regimen (succeed, crash and burn/fall off the wagon, rinse, repeat) and make them into a lifestyle I can be proud of and (perhaps most importantly) ENJOY.