I'm not gonna lie, its been on my mind a lot lately.

Primarily, I wonder, "Why do I stress out?"

I never wondered this before Rex and I got married. I just thought that I was a stresser, because of my gender (sorry, ladies) and because of my genetic disposition. I come from a long line of stressed out females (thanks a lot, mom) and just assumed that not only was I predisposed to it, but immersed so much in stress growing up that I had virtually no chance of recovery. 

When I got married, I was thrilled to have someone to share my burden of stress, to completely understand where I was coming from and sympathize with my stressed out behaviors. Boy, was I wrong! Rex is the opposite of a stresser. He just looks at me like I've gone bonkers and tells me there's nothing to worry about.

At first, I chalked this up to guys not really getting the whole "empathy" thing. Guys don't need to have heart-to-heart conversations in which one guy pours his soul out and the other guy nods and looks sympathetic! Guys don't need their friends to roundly abuse The Enemy with them! Girls, however, do! I would get frustrated when Rex wouldn't give me what I needed - a shoulder to cry on and a talk that should have gone something like this: "Catie, you are absolutely right - everything is doomed!"

It's taken me almost 3 years to realize that Rex is right and I am wrong. His mom has shared a book with me that Rex authored when he was 4 entitled, "What's a Problem and What's not a Problem." The main point of the book is (you guessed it) identifying things that are problematic (ie you should worry about this) and things that are not problematic (ie don't worry about it). More recently, we've talked about this idea of worrying or stressing over something "problematic" fairly regularly, as I (along with Arthur Dent) haven't mastered the age-old proverb "Don't Panic."

When you boil everything down to the bare minimum, I've concluded the following:

1) I cannot control ANYTHING. *I cannot control anything* means that regardless of how much I create elaborate scenarios in my mind about how so-and-so will respond when I say "X," I cannot know what so-and-so will say until (IF!) I even say X! Stressing out about uncertainties wastes A LOT of time; at least, it does for me, as I can't do ANYTHING when I'm stressing except maybe Facebook.

2) I cannot change ANYTHING by worrying. *I cannot change anything by worrying* means that if something bad is looming (a reprimand at work, a service charge for overdrafts at the bank, etc.) worrying about it WILL NOT affect any change. Its possible that I can change something if I take action, but only action (and not worrying) will accomplish things.

3) Stress is counterproductive. *Stress is counterproductive* means that, when I realize that only action will produce results, I am basically shooting myself in the foot when I sit and worry instead of make a plan or enact parts of a plan. Even Step 1 of a plan is leaps and bounds closer to results than worrying!

4) Stress compounds exponentially. *Stress compounds exponentially* means that when I allow myself to stress about something, it is easier to continue stressing and add stress about other issues on top of the initial stress. Its like that Lays slogan - Bet you can't eat just one. Your brain stresses once, and its hooked. It keeps stressing, and learns to feed on stress. Pretty soon, your brain looks for things to stress about!

5) Stress is eventually incapacitating. *Stress is eventually incapacitating* - its necessary to understand that if stress takes over, pretty soon all ability to function normally will collapse. I have experienced this numerous times in my life; I stress over a job or project or ______ (fill in the blank) so much that I render myself incapable of taking any action at all. I am unable to pull myself out of my Slough of Despond to work on anything or make life better. I end up wallowing in feelings of "I suck," because that's what stress produces - feelings of inadequacy. It forces you to ruminate on mistakes and "shoulda, woulda, coulda"s until you snap or bounce back. Luckily, I've bounced back every time, but its a truly vicious cycle.

The sneaky thing about stress is that it often masquerades as, "I'm being serious about my life and don't want to screw it up." You can even tell yourself that if you're not stressing about how to pay the bills that you don't care enough to be an adult or productive citizen. If you're not stressing about making your credit card payments, it means you're a slacker. How treacherous! How "slippery slope" of you, Stress! Stress gives you ulcers and taints your relationships (don't believe me? Try being so upset about everything all the time that your significant other can't handle you.), yet somehow manages to make you (me!) believe you need it.

I say all this to remind myself more than anything else. I need to be reminded why that painful knotting feeling in the pit of my stomach is bad for me, and why my life will be much better without it. Because, let's face it, life IS better without stress. I get more done, I have a better time, and I can focus on others more. Stress gets in my way! I can't write my thesis when I'm stressed, I can't enjoy my job when I'm stressed, and I end up being really lazy and unproductive in general when I'm stressed.

I also say all this to myself in order to dig myself out of my currently 10 feet deep "stress-pit." (get it?! cesspit!?... sorry, lame joke.)  Post-vacation blues have got me stressed, unfocused, and unproductive, but I'm determined to kick the stress to the curb. I'm ready to go running again, exercise my brain some more, start (and finish!) some home improvement projects on my days off, and enjoy the hell out of my life. Every day is a new beginning - so, tomorrow will be the day. The day I do something (ANYTHING!) despite the despair. The day I ignore the stress and just do life anyways. And the next day it will be easier, and the day after that easier than the day before. Pretty soon the stress will be a memory, and hopefully when it tries to slip back in I'll recognize it for what it is - a poison that keeps me from being, well, me. 

I've been on a fitness kick for, oh, I'd say the last 7 years. One would think that after so much time, it would be a habit and not a kick, right?

That's my thought for today - its interesting how something that occupies so much of your mental energy (occasionally) and time (spent in the gym) can still end up NOT being a habit.

I've been exercising since the day Lindsey decided I was her new guide to the gym. (More on my awesome old roomie later!) Her visual impairment plus her need to train excessively for triathalons led me to my first treadmill. I've gone through periods where the gym was my one triumph every day - I remember a time when I could run for 30 minutes straight at a speed of 5.3 without feeling tired or winded. (Don't hate if you're an awesome runner!) I remember when my body looked good - flat stomach, firm thighs, thin upper arms - and it was enjoyable to maintain my shape at the gym.

I've also gone through periods of extreme stress that render me incapable of succeeding at much - when school or work overwhelms me, I tend to shut down, and the first thing to go is my exercise regimen. If I feel like I've got too many things to do in one day (ie MUST teach, MUST grade papers, MUST plan lesson, MUST work until 1am), I freak out and do as little as possible. Maybe I should explore this bizarre tendency soon...

Anyways, when I was younger, I was able to eat all the BBQ chips and drink all the Dr. Pepper I wanted without looking like I had. Minimal gym time was required to still look decent. Now, however, I'm in my mid-20s, and realizing that not only will a healthier eating regimen boost my energy and overall body wellness, but it is a necessity to weight loss and muscle fitness.

What a cruel lesson to learn, that you can't eat all your favorite foods all the time! What a cruel time to learn it! Health and fitness were never mentioned in my family growing up, and we always ate "good southern cookin'" (read: pinto beans and fatback). My dad was a bean-pole, so I assumed I would be as safe as he was re: thinness.

Not only do I seem to be floundering in the grocery store when it comes to healthy food alternatives, I've found that I don't really LIKE vegetables (maybe because I rarely ate them as a kid?). And someone please shoot me for always reaching for potatoes or wild rice as another pairing to almost any meat/fish! I don't know what I'm doing - I only know that I need to do "it".

Luckily, Rex has decided that he needs to eat healthier, smaller portions and run on a regular basis, too. We're both trying to cut down on soda intake to cut calories, eat filling (not large!) portions, and exercise daily. Its been a big encouragement.

Still, something needs to be done in the way of making this a permanent change. At least one day a week I am horrible and eat chocolate frosted donuts with a giant can of Coke for breakfast (like, today?), or am overwhelmed with the thought of overhauling my ENTIRE food intake or rebel at the thought of completely giving up my sinfully delicious food cravings. Self control is something I've always been lacking, in every area of life... but this is one thing in particular I want victory in! I want to eat a salad before my meal when I go out to eat because its good for me, and not be sad that it makes me not save -room for the main course. I want to choose water over soda more regularly because water makes me feel better (really, it does!) even if it doesn't taste better. I want to willingly limit my sweets and bad-for-you-foods to small portions as treats occasionally because I've learned to like my healthier options just as much.

Ah, now I'm rambling - the point is, I'm not quite sure what it takes to make something a habit, and this "something" is a habit I would dearly love to call my own. I'd like to quit running in circles with my diet and fitness regimen (succeed, crash and burn/fall off the wagon, rinse, repeat) and make them into a lifestyle I can be proud of and (perhaps most importantly) ENJOY.