I've been on a fitness kick for, oh, I'd say the last 7 years. One would think that after so much time, it would be a habit and not a kick, right?

That's my thought for today - its interesting how something that occupies so much of your mental energy (occasionally) and time (spent in the gym) can still end up NOT being a habit.

I've been exercising since the day Lindsey decided I was her new guide to the gym. (More on my awesome old roomie later!) Her visual impairment plus her need to train excessively for triathalons led me to my first treadmill. I've gone through periods where the gym was my one triumph every day - I remember a time when I could run for 30 minutes straight at a speed of 5.3 without feeling tired or winded. (Don't hate if you're an awesome runner!) I remember when my body looked good - flat stomach, firm thighs, thin upper arms - and it was enjoyable to maintain my shape at the gym.

I've also gone through periods of extreme stress that render me incapable of succeeding at much - when school or work overwhelms me, I tend to shut down, and the first thing to go is my exercise regimen. If I feel like I've got too many things to do in one day (ie MUST teach, MUST grade papers, MUST plan lesson, MUST work until 1am), I freak out and do as little as possible. Maybe I should explore this bizarre tendency soon...

Anyways, when I was younger, I was able to eat all the BBQ chips and drink all the Dr. Pepper I wanted without looking like I had. Minimal gym time was required to still look decent. Now, however, I'm in my mid-20s, and realizing that not only will a healthier eating regimen boost my energy and overall body wellness, but it is a necessity to weight loss and muscle fitness.

What a cruel lesson to learn, that you can't eat all your favorite foods all the time! What a cruel time to learn it! Health and fitness were never mentioned in my family growing up, and we always ate "good southern cookin'" (read: pinto beans and fatback). My dad was a bean-pole, so I assumed I would be as safe as he was re: thinness.

Not only do I seem to be floundering in the grocery store when it comes to healthy food alternatives, I've found that I don't really LIKE vegetables (maybe because I rarely ate them as a kid?). And someone please shoot me for always reaching for potatoes or wild rice as another pairing to almost any meat/fish! I don't know what I'm doing - I only know that I need to do "it".

Luckily, Rex has decided that he needs to eat healthier, smaller portions and run on a regular basis, too. We're both trying to cut down on soda intake to cut calories, eat filling (not large!) portions, and exercise daily. Its been a big encouragement.

Still, something needs to be done in the way of making this a permanent change. At least one day a week I am horrible and eat chocolate frosted donuts with a giant can of Coke for breakfast (like, today?), or am overwhelmed with the thought of overhauling my ENTIRE food intake or rebel at the thought of completely giving up my sinfully delicious food cravings. Self control is something I've always been lacking, in every area of life... but this is one thing in particular I want victory in! I want to eat a salad before my meal when I go out to eat because its good for me, and not be sad that it makes me not save -room for the main course. I want to choose water over soda more regularly because water makes me feel better (really, it does!) even if it doesn't taste better. I want to willingly limit my sweets and bad-for-you-foods to small portions as treats occasionally because I've learned to like my healthier options just as much.

Ah, now I'm rambling - the point is, I'm not quite sure what it takes to make something a habit, and this "something" is a habit I would dearly love to call my own. I'd like to quit running in circles with my diet and fitness regimen (succeed, crash and burn/fall off the wagon, rinse, repeat) and make them into a lifestyle I can be proud of and (perhaps most importantly) ENJOY.  

You do what you have to do.

That's always been one of my mottos; sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to do, or hate doing, or didn't forsee doing. Such is life. I always thought that my own personal "you do what you have to do" things was work multiple jobs.

It started in college when I decided to move into an apartment with two friends instead of continuing to live on campus. We wanted freedom from oppression (more on LU and their lovely rules later) and independence; and after all, when you're almost 21, you're definitely mature and adult-like.

Anyways. Because of the full-time nature of my schooling, I couldn't work full time at one job. So, I did what any resourceful college student does - I started waiting tables. Along the way, I added teaching piano and TA'ing to my list of jobs, until I was working 3 jobs plus taking 18 credits a semester to finish my degree. And since my degree was music performance, I had to fit practicing piano in there somewhere, too.

All in all, it was a very busy, stressful time. I barely had time for working out and sleeping (my two hobbies!) and didn't pick up a book for almost a year. Eventually, I got worn out and gave up waitressing. Still, juggling two jobs and full time school was stressful. I always assumed that soon I'd have a *real* job and this would be a thing of the past.

Fast forward 3 years - I've since graduated from college, gotten married, and entered graduate school. Along the way, I've picked up a job waitressing and a job teaching music theory at the university I attend. Sound familiar? Still trying to graduate, too.

The reason this is interesting to me now, though I've not been unaware of the pattern, is that this spreading-myself-thin thing is, well, spreading-myself-thin. I'm performing at less than my best in ALL areas now that I'm so divided. Even more interesting is the fact that I have free time now, and I'm still performing at less than 100%. I teach for one hour per day (one class). I have almost all day, usually, to do whatever, before working in the evening. I have all day to work on school related things and to prepare for the next day.

And yet... my projects still suffer. My thesis is not finished yet, because I cannot devote 40 hours/week to its completion. My classes aren't stellar, because I can't devote 20 hours/week to being completely awesome at teaching. My house will not stay clean, because I do not have 15+ hours/week to take care of things like laundry, dishes, and dusting.

My brain is somehow rebelling at being pulled in so many different directions that I have become unhappy with what I do on a day to day basis. I work because I help support our family; I teach because I love it (and it pays my school bill!) and am preparing to continue teaching as a career; I "thesis" (yes, I just made that into a verb) because I need to graduate and have a masters degree. I do each thing on my agenda for a reason - but having to do all of them at the same time is making me unhappy.

I hope I am not foolish enough to suppose that "the grass is always greener" and suggest that only one task for the rest of my life will always make me happy. I am, however, pondering ways to reduce the amount of responsibilities I have so I can focus on fewer things and *hopefully* be better at them.